A New Day

Wow has it really been two months since I have been on here? I have read so many other blogs and thought about so many things to quip and write about and yet I have stayed away. I would love to say that I am all better and joy has once again been renewed in my heart and my spirit and yet to do so would not be to tell the truth. Something I have learned is very important.

A new day, a new start to a school year, a new school for the kids (again), new people, new season, new clothes, new shoes, new backpacks, new school supplies. Wow that is alot of new.

SOOO is my heart new? What would it take for me to have a new heart of love towards my God? Do I need one or just a new light on my relationship with Him? Good questions, not sure. I know with all my being that I want a new light on it. I know with all my being that I want to navigate my way through all these feelings, come out on the otherside having learned to be who He wants me to be. Mostly, I want to learn what it is He has me on this journey to learn.

I think I just would like to learn it and be done. Maybe it is the very process that He wants me to learn.

Just some rambling thoughts today!!!
As AJ says "We miss grandpa today don't we mom"
Yes AJ we sure do.!!

FREEDOM

Wow on this 4th of July weekend I have been reminded of the price many have paid for this freedom I call mine. In this country with my family and mostly with my faith. I have had a rough couple of months. It has just been plain difficult. I feel very far away from God. I know he is right there and yet I feel like I just can't touch Him. I want so bad to take that freedom and crawl in His lap and yet I don't seem to be able to do just that. I am tired of being sad and most of all tired of feeling this way.
A way I can't even describe. I want to spend time with you Lord and yet when I try I feel like I am alone and in a box no light, no noise, nothing. Yet you are here. I know you are. I believe you are. Then where am I, am I the one who is not?
Again I am drawn to a deep feeling of appreciation of the freedom I enjoy. Did I ever tell my dad how much I appreciate the sacrifice he made for our country, for me, for my family. My earthly father is no longer here and did I ever tell him? Did he know? Which leads me to have I ever told my Heavenly Father how much he sacrificed for my freedom in Him? My freedom to feel sad, to feel hurt, to feel all that I have struggled with the last few months? Have I told Him how much I love him for sacrificing His all so that I can go through this and still KNOW that He is here right beside me. Crying with me. Hurting with me. Carrying me. No I don't think I have so Lord you truly are indescribable. You are amazing and I thank you for this freedom that you bestow upon me humble, mere me to allow me to question, hurt, cry, and yet love you with an abounding love that knows no limit. I pray you can carry me back to the joy of loving you. To the purity of loving you limitless with abounding joy. Thank you Lord for that freedom. Thank you dad for my earthly freedoms and the part you played in that.
THANK YOU!

Just today and my thoughts

Today is Monday and the last week of school. I was shown how to put the link to this on here and haven't done it for so lond that now I have forgotten. Ya all stop laughing at this techy struggling blogger friend.



Ya all amaze me at what you put on here and how you get it on here. I will take any private lesson any of you would like to come over and give me. :)





So I can't cut and paste so I need to retype these every time so it takes a bit so I will only be doing this when I have a bit of time :)


Outside my window.... a bird is chirping a happy song in the sun. Probably calling it's little one for breakfast. Thinking of all it must do today. A gentle reminder to me that God cares for the sparrow I know he cares for me!!!

I'm thinking ... about my mental list for today, where to start in the house and how I should enjoy this last week of school and my "free" time. Ha Ha

I'm going.... to go out at buy the white shirt my daughter Jennifer needed to bring to school today and forgot to tell me about and had to call me from school so she can decorate it at school today. ;) but not till after AJ wakes up.

I'm reading.... tune in Bible study/book and the Psalms, read Psalm 39, 40 and 41 this a.m. They were good, go read them :)

I'm hoping....to accomplish much today. First and foremost to rest in Him. Don't know what that looks like for today but I hope to do it. Then dishes, buy a shirt, bring it to school, maybe a load of laundry, 10 minute pick up and drive to hubby at work and have lunch outside his work in the sunshine.

Around the house....are things that need to be picked up, outside are flowers that I just planted and need to be watered.

I'm pondering....how I am going to be more efficient for the summer and also a bit more independent.

One of my favorite things.....is blooming flowers in the sunshine.

On my mind.....is praying for a friend for our 8 year old Brandon to play with. He is lonely for his friend Cole in Iowa.

A few plans for the rest of the week....get prepared for summer a few activities planned or at least decided so we can get them on the calendar. Paint Brandon's room, hang AJ curtain, finish AJ's border and road. Get AJ's new bed and put it up. Plus the usually should fill it up in a hurry.

A picture to share.. we will see if this comes in here OK so say a prayer I need to shut down my computer and my pics are not in my CM memory manager. Strange. So you need to envision a pic and say a prayer that I can add one later today after finding them!!!!

A goal for today.....not waste all my time trying to find things on the computer /sit and read a book with Aaron

My excercise today....did my new "melt it off" video this a.m. and my arms are telling me Ha Ha

Just today and my thoughts

This is a weekly post I hope we can enjoy together. The Simple Woman's Daybook

Outside my window... I see sunshine and grass coming up I also think we might have a lilac bush. This morning I say the mountains from the breakfast table.

I'm Thinking... about all that I would love to accomplish today. Will I turn it over to the Lord or try and orchestrate it myself. I wish it was more natural to turn it over.

I'm Thankful for... my husband driving the kids to school this morning. How much quicker I get into my day then. and that AJ is still sleeping

I'm Going.... to scrapbook with friends for the a.m. need to get loaded and going soon :)

I'm reading ... too many books at one time. Get Out of that Pit by Beth Moore

I'm hoping ... to get to unloading Braelynn's room today so I can paint this evening

Around the house... the breakfast dishes still are on the table... the office is a DISASTER... a load of laundry is waiting to go in.

I am pondering... how to make this house OUR HOME!! we just moved in well it was 4 months ago and I pray it can become ours and feel like home soon soon!

One of my favorite things... is a carmel latte from Panera Bread

On my mind... is how to curve our kids from so much screen time, computers, tv, etc.

A few plans for the rest of the week... tackle some paperwork, finish our lockers in the garage, would love to clean the office, paint AJ's new room and Braelynn's new room we are switching them.

A picture for fun... (we'll see if I can import one ):)

Well I tried importing and it will only do it at the befinning how funny and I can't do a better one this is from my nephew's wedding in March. We had a wonderful time and we even took a moment to snap a picture. There was one I liked better but can't get back to it or even open it now or get it on here too funny. Hopefully this will get easier - Carey I may need another tutor lesson here start looking for more cheap tickets :) lol

My added ones:

A goal for today... Get coupons clipped for my husband like he asked and Braelynn's room emptied to start painting it for AJ

My excercise today... I walked/ran around the park 2 times this morning.

Whew What A Week

As I look back over the last week I stop and think about all the places God took me in my heart. Pretty amazing that He would venture that many places with me. First I flew back to Iowa for my wonderful mothers Birthday. Happy Birthday mom and as Braelynn says "she is going to have many more" I am good with that. We will see what the Lord has planned huh :)

I was greeted at the airport by wonderful friends with coffee in hand. It was a true blessing to walk back into the open arms of friendship. I have missed those friendships but I do see God growing us all. We may not like it but yes he is growing us all. Isn't He.

We made our trek back to the valley and even the corn fields look different or maybe I just look at them differently. The wide open spaces and all the fresh air. :) My mom and sister were on the steps ready to greet me with hugs and love. Just as if I had never left. But someone was missing. Dad you would have been the first to greet me with hugs and tears of joy for the opportunity God was giving us to see each other again in health. But you weren't there were you. No you are greeting me and cheering me on from heaven. I hope you had a good seat as you watched us all. I am still waiting as I walk in the house for you to come out of the computer room with another "What's goin' on around here" and one more "Watch out boy..." for AJ. Do you know how much you are missed dad. Did I really appreciate each of our wonderful talks. Yes I did and yes I do think you knew. You were an amazing dad and I love you. I miss you more than words can express and yet I know you would not want another day here on earth for all the glory you are experiencing now. So I am off to enjoy today but with just a slight tear in the eye as yet things are not all as they should be, not yet, not today....
processing and walking one more step on this journey of grief...

Spiritual Confetti

Went to a "Women's Tea" at a community church, was invited by a friend. It was a wonderful treat. A little different walking into a room of 50 women and not knowing one. Lord this is such a different feeling, why Lord have you brought me here? Why Lord have you called our entire family to a journey of firsts, unknowns, and often strange feelings? Yet you have and we have answered the call and moved. This is going to be fun I say to myself. You will meet someone God has intentionally laid out for you to meet. I write my name tag and I am escorted to my table. I look for my name tag and I find it next to my friend Melissa. Guest is says. I think oh nice I don't even have a name and yet Lord you know my name. I am your Guest. Do I treat you as my Guest? I set down my purse and take a step to the side. I look around, I see ladies sharing stories, everyday things going on in their lives. I don't know any of them, they don't know me. Is this what the Lord wants me to see. This is like the world; and I am placed here to share with the people I meet many who don't know Him. Am I that excited to share with others the very things He has placed on my heart. Melissa arrives and whew "I know someone" and they know me. Just as we are about to sit down. I have introduced myself to a couple of the ladies. We share tea and scones. Learned about what a "full tea" and a "high tea" are - couldn't repeat it now though because I can't remember. How funny is that. We eat our treats and little sandwiches, dainty as they are and sip tea from beautiful china tea cups. It is nice. I feel like I am being served a dose of HIS love in nice settings and wonderful fellowship just being women. Discussions of books they have read, trips they have taken, love that has been given, kids, colds, school, soccer games, college, work and marriages. Lots of discussions and yet I think "but Cindy you said you didn't know them" Here God has met you in the voices of and faces of strangers, here He has said I love you with my love, let me give you a treat, a little taste and feel of me.....



Then a wonderful lady from their church gets up to share a moment of her faith 93 she is and she talks about what happens when we listen to God. When He places someone on our heart and asks us to pray for them. Even if we don't know them or know what to pray. He blesses us and them when we do that. She shared how even though that wasn't who she would pick to pray for, God knew, He knew why, and so she did pray, and pray, met with her, had lunch with her, prayed, and prayed. Lost touch with this prayed for friend and just a month ago, got a phone call from this prayed for friend. This friend wanted her to know how much she our 93 year old friend had changed her life. She was tear stained and will forever be awed that God could use her. Just plain old her. Guess what that is what he wants from each of us. To use just plain old us. Yes Lord please use me.



Then the speaker was introduced. "Wendy" can't remember her last name. She was also very wonderful. A breath of fresh air in my often times cloudy life lately. She reminded us all that we are all encourager's. Yes we are women and we need encouragement and yet we each play a role whether big or small as encourager's. She gave a visual for each part of our encouragement as a reminder they were all wonderful and very real. I pray in the days ahead I will have time to journal about each or at least some of those visuals. We shall see my friends.



Now for the title she ended with the "Confetti" Story and I loved it so I would like to share it with all of you. May you too be blessed in this day by this story and may we all be ready to through and share our spiritual confetti. Amen

Confetti

by Nicole Johnson

Who doesn't like throwing confetti up in the air? At weddings or parties or n New Year's Eve, everyone wants something in their hands to throw. It's a way of lavishing our love on people. Whether it's paper, rice, or birdseed, it's a way of cheering others on. Confetti is a tangible expression of our intangible emotions. like happiness you can see and throw someone's way.

Encouragement is to a relationship what confetti is to a party. It's light, refreshing, and fun. It's cheer you can throw someone's way. But even deeper, it is the assurance you are there, that you are standing behind them and supporting them. The time ti takes to gather little pieces of love, grace, strength, and hope is well worth it when you see what happens as you shower those gifts on someone else. It's like spiritual confetti, and it;s the ultimate encouragement.

But how can we encourage someone else when we feel so discouraged? (Wow this one really hit me!!!) Our temptation is to stand in the corner of the encouragement party. Just hang around the edges and observe everyone else having a good time. But that never works. It's not until we start throwing the confetti on others that we realize how much is landing on us!

As we encourage each other, The Father encourages us. The two are interwoven. As we release the confetti on returned prodigals, we weep as we remember the confetti He threw when we came home. When we help a friend carry her broken heart, our own heart feels a lot lighter. We can encourage others from the overflow of God's encouragement to us.

So what are we waiting for? Grab a handful of confetti and jump in! But be careful, you're liable to find little pieces of it stuck on your own clothes for weeks!

Sharing A Scripture

Just had something on my mind and thought we could chat. I know you are all only a phone call away but sometimes putting things down in writing is just as good for my mind. It is Friday and another week done. Whew. The sun is shining and I saw a beautiful sunrise this morning. Praying that it can be the same in my soul. I am ready for a beautiful sunrise.
I don't feel like I have had much of that beauty shining from me the last couple of months. Brad and I have had some of those conversations lately and have been very honest with each other. Which is great don't get me wrong but also makes one stop and look at what am I portraying to my family and is any of it Christlike?
I have been reading scripture verses every morning random ones and yet they are all very powerful they are from a scripture box that my prayer group (we met every Friday morning) gave me as a going away gift. Little did they know the power of that box and what is has been carrying me through. I try to read 3 or 4 a day and some days I am successfull and others not so much. I am wondering if weekly whomever is reading this or just with a post or at random times if you could post a scripture God is laying on your heart. That would be great just post it or send it to me. We can even discuss them at times and what they mean to each of us. I am trying to spend time alone with Him and it is not easy for me. I shared with a new prayer group I meet with on Thursday a.m. for an hour, that I have felt very dry, just very dry and sad. Today is an OK day, but not all are like that, it is OK for a couple of reasons: 1 tomorrow is Saturday and Brad and the kids are home. 2. I shared deeply with a sister in Christ and sister-in-law today she reminded me again that I am not alone in this desert feeling very dry and I have not been alone. She reminded me of Psalm 69 she read some of the verses to me. WOW Like "Feeling like the water is up to my neck and I am about to be consumed by the miry pit, that I have become stuck and save me O Lord save me!" Yes that is my prayer and I am off to read Psalm 69. Thanks Leanne.
Love to all and again on the step in this journey.
Cindy

A walk in the Park

Today I just returned from a walk in the park and playing there. I met two ladies, can't even remember their names and yet here we were three strangers with the common bond of a beautiful sunny day (60 degrees) hello, and our children playing in the park. Part of my heart wanted to hang on to my life in Iowa and all that it represents. But you see the Lord's mercies are new every morning. I feel like I have tried the hiding part of life here and yet I know from conversations with friends that I can't keep doing that. Help me today Lord not to do that. Another step in the journey.

AJ Quirps and My Darlings Birthday

Just thought on this Monday morning I would share a few of the funny things AJ has been trying to say. :)



Since moving here it is so dry and we are all struggling with dry lips so the other day he kept saying to me "Mom I need the lapstick!" and became very emphatic. Yes he finally told me it was in my purse and it was CHAPSTICK :)



The other day we were getting him dressed and he needed to go and get a "cutshirt" I had no idea what that was. Well it was a short sleeved shirt of course :)



Learning the language of a 4 year old can be somewhat interesting and always very entertaining. :)



Today is a very special day it is my husbands birthday. Happy Birthday honey I love and I am so very glad God has placed us on this journey together. I could not have made it through the last 6 months with out you and I pray we have many more of your birthdays to celebrate together. Off to make your very favorite oatmeal raisen cookies. I best not forget the high altitude alterations.



At this very moment, the 4 year old is "washing and fixing my hair" Should be an interesting hairdo by the time I am finished :)



Taking each step today with Him, praying you can too.

JAZZ

Today is yet another day with another obsticle to stepping closer to my Lord. Today our beloved pet of 9 years was put to sleep. She got out last night and ran after a UPS truck. The man felt so very sad and chased after her as she ran back home. Jasmine was a black lab with a very free spirit.
We loved you Jazz and I know you loved us.
She tolerated many a child sitting on her back.
Loved to be given attention.
Loved for you to scratch her ears.
Loved for you to throw the ball again and again and again.
Loved to pull you on a walk.
Loved to have you right next to her.
Loved to be right at Brad's feet.
Loved to be loved.
Loved to love

Lord is this just a taste of how much you love me. I have never thought of it that way a relationship of a pet to an owner and yet it is. Lord, is this how much I love YOU? Is this the way I love you? Is this part of unconditional love.

Lord, I don't understand why we need to let another part of our life as we knew it go? I don't understand why we had to make these very difficult decisions today. Help us Lord in each step of this new journey each new step.

Miss you Jazz, even this "non dog loving" person as I was often referred too. I miss you and knowing you were always there. I miss seeing you so excited to see even me, but especially the kids and even more Brad.

Miss you buddy thanks for the memories with each and every one of our babies. For the joy you brought each of us. Miss you

SNOWFLAKES

Today the sun is shining after about 3 inches of snow. It was beautiful snowflakes falling yesterday. I wanted to take a picture and put it on here but not quite that techy yet. :) As I sat and watched at one point I thought of how quiet it was out there.

Am I ever that quiet when I listen to you Lord? Do I know how to be that quiet. As each snowflake lays quietly ontop of the other. Building each other one step closer to you, Lord. May I learn what it is to be one step closer to you too.

Lord you amaze me that you know each and every snowflake and it's design. That is how intricately you know me. Little me with all my baggage and stuff. Each thought I think and each breathe I take. May I lean on you for each and every thought and each and every breathe.
It reminds me of a song by Dallas Holms I think: Called "I've Never Been out of His Care
"The eyes of God are upon me,
He sees everything I do.
The arms of God are around me,
They keep me safe and secure
Chorus:
And He knows where I am every hour of every day,
He know each tho't I think,
He knows each word that I might say.
And although there've been times,
I stepped out of his will,
I've never been out of His care.

This changing world alarms me,
with war, with sin, with strife.
But my Loving Father charms me,
With joy, with peace, and with life.
Chorus:
And He knows where I am,
every hour of every day
He knows each thought I think,
He knows each word that I might say,
And although there've been times I stepped out of his will,
I've never been out of His care.

I've never been out of His care."

I have know this song for many years. Actually my sister Carol who passed away in 1983 sang this song and left us all with this memory of her while she was sick she lived this way.
Lord thank you for bringing it back to me today. May I strive to live this way on each step of this journey with you Lord

SKIING

AJ you are such a cool dude - just need to work on straightening the glasses. :) love you buddy

Brandon cruisen down the slopes

The whole family on the picture to the right.

Daddy helping AJ down the slopes crooked glasses and all :)

Braelynn zooming down the hill in the purple coat.
Way to go girl. You got it just need to control the speed sweetie ;)

Well the everyday things are what I really want to enjoy and record on here. Today is the first day of the kids "winter break". We have never had such a thing before we moved here, so this is a little daunting to think for 5 days me and the kids at home :) Went skiing with the kids for the first time over winter break. What fun and what memories. I thought I was going to be literally sick bring our 4 youngest into the ski lesson room. They all looked so scared and here I was leaving them.

As I did and later reflect on that is that what my Lord feels when he sees me hurting. As tears went down my children's faces my heart broke - why did I feel I need to do this? Is that how you feel Lord? You know what is best for me and yet does your heart break as you see me so scared and so very sad? Yes I know that you do.

I love my children and yet if I can I so want to spare them any undue pain. Yes Lord you too want to spare me any undue pain. So Lord may I get out of your way and your protection for me and this journey in our new home here in Colorado. I want to be content in you Lord. May I find you in each area of my heart here as I journey on this the next step here.

I am happy to report the kids had a ball and even AJ loved it by the end of the day. Although they all reported those boots KILL your feet :) "It feels funny to walk in your shoes" one of them said. Oh how true.

Our snowboarder Justin - way to go dude. Proud of you conquering greens, and even a blue your first day out. Way to go!

The only picture of Jennifer is in the family picture because she took most of these not realizing we were all going down the hill again. She did great with the shots I think I have some of her and will hopefully be able to add them at a later date. She did great skiing and is ready for the green runs! We are proud of each of you for embracing this new adventure in our lives.

love mom

ONE MORE STEP, ONE MORE DAY

That blessed 4 year old posted that and I wasn't finished. :) Oh well. Anyhow I was reminded again of one more thing that isn't going to happen anymore. One more plan I didn't get to complete, or maybe it is just one more memory that isn't going to be made.


I so praise God for the memories I do have don't get me wrong I do. Lord I just seem to be grieving the ones that are not to be on this side of heaven.


Adjusting to life here after the move seems to be settling in. I am not sure what the actual definition of adjusting means: Here is Websters definition "to bring to a more satisfactory state" or "to achieve mental and behavioral balance between one's own needs and the demands of others" interesting isn't it.



Balance that with God's definition to me on the concept of adjusting has been "TRUST" scriptures with trust such as "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not on your own understanding in ALL your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5and6 and others keep coming forward in talks I have heard, passages from sermons, friends sending notes, and on and on. I have decided my next post is to list some of those passages. The ones that have come to speak volumes to me each day. The ones that keep me taking that next step on this journey. Today was not such a good day this afternoon. Two afternoons in a row with mom having a meltdown. NOT GOOD. I really don't want to do that in front of my kids nor do I want to react that way. I am trying to figure out the trigger points that lead up to these meltdowns. It is hard. I haven't figured it out so that is my next step. Trust in that moment. Trust Him to react with deep breathing. Trust Him to react with no words (tough one). Trust Him to turn and walk away. Trust Him to be my everything!!!


Taking that next step, trusting HIM!

ONE MORE STEP, ONE MORE DAY

Yes, today is another day, but today the sun is shining. I wish the sun was shining in my heart. I woke again today and was quickly reminded of the sadness. Yesterday started out a beautiful fun day. Snow falling, a good latte with two new friends here. Scrapbooking as my son's grandpa hung out with him.
As I said "see ya later buddy, Have a fun day with grandpa."
AJ responded " I will and we miss grandpa van holland, he died, and he is in heaven huh mom, we miss him don't we"
Yes Aaron we do miss him and yes he is in heaven.

Lessons learned from my daughter's devotional

Well we have been trying to do devotions one on one with each of our kids. It makes for bedtime routine to be quite a bit longer but it sure makes for awesome one on one time. We have been very faithful in doing it with the older two not so much with the younger ones. Need to figure something out for making that time and making it work.


A couple nights ago in devotion time with Jennifer it was like God was in our mind and wrote the very devotional for us we decided. It was fun to find out that was where she was with all the emotions of moving. You never exactly know where each of your kids are in the journey of emotions associated with a major move like this so that was blessing number one in this time. She also decided she wanted to share it with the rest of the family the next day. So that was a neat moment to see her caring about where everyone else was too. I thought it would be neat to share it with you.

February 4 from "The One Year Devo for Girls #2"

Linne Looks Back

Scripture Luke 9:57-62

"Linnea was so homesick! Lately all she could think about was her life "before". When Dad had been a pastor, they'd lived in a lovely big parsonage. They'd visited Grandma and Grandpa nearly every week, and she often got to stay overnight. But that was "before" - before they had felt that God wanted them to be missionaries. Now she was halfway around the world, staying at a boarding school for missionary kids while Mom and Dad were away for six months at a time.

That evening, Linea's house father led the junior-age girls in there devotions. He read the story of Lot's wife and how she turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back at the cities of sin (Genesis 19:17-26). "This story has a good lesson for Christians," he said. "Although it's good to look back to see the way God has led us, we shouldn't look back at what used to be and allow it to spoil us for service right now. We should look back to remember what great things God has done for us, not to see what we're missing now." He prayed for the girls asking God to help them all to keep looking ahead."

The devotional went on to describe Linea and her asking God to forgive her and realizing how much she was looking back. Yeah pretty much stopped me in my tracks!!!!

So here were the questions from the "How about You" section "Are you guilty of looking back to the way things used to be - and making yourself miserable? OUCH!!! Perhaps you've moved, and you won't allow yourself to like the new place because you long for the old. (Who is looking and reading my mind) Don't be guilty of looking back and longing for a former way of life. Serve the Lord in the place he has put you now."

OK SO WHO PLACED THE AUTHOR IN MY MIND AND KNEW THAT I WOULD READ THAT ON FEBRUARY 4, 2010.

Here is the last clincher the verse at the end to memorize "But Jesus told him, Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God." Luke 9:62

Not much more to say other than Lord thanks for using whatever means I need to get to my heart and showing me exactly what I need to hear to move forward with you and help my family to do the same. May it literally take me the next step to moving closer to you!! AMEN

This is the view from our kitchen table. The open space is a park and the mountains are behind those houses across the park. These are pictures of our first morning here in Colorado after returning from the funeral. If I take the time to look each morning that the sky is clear. God showes me a majestic display turning white mountain tops to purple before my eyes. It doesn't last long the purple look however God does do this display each morning. God is faithful!!

Today marks the one month anniversary of that life changing event that propelled me into that journey of grief I talked about last. "How are you doing" seems such a loaded question. How does one measure that? How does one evaluate where you are on a journey where there seems to be no guidelines? I know now I never knew how much hurt a heart could handle. I never knew how much I loved the feelings of joy and how much the feelings of sorrow hurt. I never knew one could love so much and miss so much of the simple every day stuff. I never knew what my Saviour did for me and the hurt his Father must have felt.



God is Good and I can say that He does provide. Are all questions answered absolutely not. As my sister said in reading a book - by Max Lucado - Traveling Light - It says sorrow is like a cloud moving in and you never really know when or where. Yes that is so true. Today is another step one month to the day.



Lord my prayer is that I can rely on you for each step in this unfamiliar journey and my I never leave your leading or path.

Stepping in todays journey

Grief,

What is grief? I only know that I have experienced it and it hurts. On January 2, 2010 my year and life changed. My father, wonderful father passed into his heavenly home around 7:05 a.m. What exactly does a life changed with grief look like? Of this I am not sure only that it feels as if I am navigating a strange path and it feels very unfamiliar. Today February 2 marks exactly one month ago. I will not forget the look on my husbands face as he turned at 6:07 to tell me the unthinkable. Not my daddy, not my father, not me Oh Lord where are you and why do I feel so funny. I cannot even think of those moments with out raw shear fear. Fear as I have never known. But even in fear came survival mode. My Heavenly Father stepped in not overtaking my thoughts but in directing them. "How would I ask my dad's advice" - Trust me HE said "How will we get 7 people to Iowa" Trust me HE said - "How can I blink my eyes and wish hard enough and be there" - Trust me HE said. On and On the questions went. I don't think I heard the "Trust ME" but I know without a doubt it was there. "Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths" is a verse that came to me last August. August of 2009 in the midst of our huge decision. That verse kept repeating itself in sermons, in mind, in sharing with friends, in cards of good-bye in our move. Just over and over. On that Saturday the beginning of this year. God provided that verse again. All I said on that Saturday was I don't understand but I will trust. I don't understand but I will trust. In gifts from others throughout the week in honor of my father, the verse again appeared. In the last month of this journey through grief it has again and again showed its face. I know the Lord has provided it and I wish in some ways I could hurry through the steps of this grief. Why has the Lord chosen to have me walk this road when my Christian community is not right at my disposal. Our church family, our cursillo family, my prayer group, my husband's coworkers, our immediate family. They are all there and we are here...

You see the passing of my father in Iowa happened exactly 3 days after we arrived here in Colorado. How is it that the timing could be perfect? I kept saying for weeks I believe in a perfect plan, in HIS PERFECT PLAN, but I sure am confused right now Lord. There is still much of the time that this doesn't make sense. Why would you Lord take us from being able to support my mother only a couple blocks away and now I feel like a million miles seperate us. I know that is not true, yet it sure doesn't feel like a couple of blocks. Lord, please help me to trust you for my mothers support, help me to trust you for my support and most of all help me to trust you for each and every member of my family and extended family that is touched by this journey called grief.

To my Father in Heaven, please, please give my daddy a hug, let him know I rejoice that He is praising and doing exactly his goal in this life, and yet let him know I love him and I miss him so.
For today the steps in this journey.