Grief,

What is grief? I only know that I have experienced it and it hurts. On January 2, 2010 my year and life changed. My father, wonderful father passed into his heavenly home around 7:05 a.m. What exactly does a life changed with grief look like? Of this I am not sure only that it feels as if I am navigating a strange path and it feels very unfamiliar. Today February 2 marks exactly one month ago. I will not forget the look on my husbands face as he turned at 6:07 to tell me the unthinkable. Not my daddy, not my father, not me Oh Lord where are you and why do I feel so funny. I cannot even think of those moments with out raw shear fear. Fear as I have never known. But even in fear came survival mode. My Heavenly Father stepped in not overtaking my thoughts but in directing them. "How would I ask my dad's advice" - Trust me HE said "How will we get 7 people to Iowa" Trust me HE said - "How can I blink my eyes and wish hard enough and be there" - Trust me HE said. On and On the questions went. I don't think I heard the "Trust ME" but I know without a doubt it was there. "Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths" is a verse that came to me last August. August of 2009 in the midst of our huge decision. That verse kept repeating itself in sermons, in mind, in sharing with friends, in cards of good-bye in our move. Just over and over. On that Saturday the beginning of this year. God provided that verse again. All I said on that Saturday was I don't understand but I will trust. I don't understand but I will trust. In gifts from others throughout the week in honor of my father, the verse again appeared. In the last month of this journey through grief it has again and again showed its face. I know the Lord has provided it and I wish in some ways I could hurry through the steps of this grief. Why has the Lord chosen to have me walk this road when my Christian community is not right at my disposal. Our church family, our cursillo family, my prayer group, my husband's coworkers, our immediate family. They are all there and we are here...

You see the passing of my father in Iowa happened exactly 3 days after we arrived here in Colorado. How is it that the timing could be perfect? I kept saying for weeks I believe in a perfect plan, in HIS PERFECT PLAN, but I sure am confused right now Lord. There is still much of the time that this doesn't make sense. Why would you Lord take us from being able to support my mother only a couple blocks away and now I feel like a million miles seperate us. I know that is not true, yet it sure doesn't feel like a couple of blocks. Lord, please help me to trust you for my mothers support, help me to trust you for my support and most of all help me to trust you for each and every member of my family and extended family that is touched by this journey called grief.

To my Father in Heaven, please, please give my daddy a hug, let him know I rejoice that He is praising and doing exactly his goal in this life, and yet let him know I love him and I miss him so.
For today the steps in this journey.