JAZZ

Today is yet another day with another obsticle to stepping closer to my Lord. Today our beloved pet of 9 years was put to sleep. She got out last night and ran after a UPS truck. The man felt so very sad and chased after her as she ran back home. Jasmine was a black lab with a very free spirit.
We loved you Jazz and I know you loved us.
She tolerated many a child sitting on her back.
Loved to be given attention.
Loved for you to scratch her ears.
Loved for you to throw the ball again and again and again.
Loved to pull you on a walk.
Loved to have you right next to her.
Loved to be right at Brad's feet.
Loved to be loved.
Loved to love

Lord is this just a taste of how much you love me. I have never thought of it that way a relationship of a pet to an owner and yet it is. Lord, is this how much I love YOU? Is this the way I love you? Is this part of unconditional love.

Lord, I don't understand why we need to let another part of our life as we knew it go? I don't understand why we had to make these very difficult decisions today. Help us Lord in each step of this new journey each new step.

Miss you Jazz, even this "non dog loving" person as I was often referred too. I miss you and knowing you were always there. I miss seeing you so excited to see even me, but especially the kids and even more Brad.

Miss you buddy thanks for the memories with each and every one of our babies. For the joy you brought each of us. Miss you

SNOWFLAKES

Today the sun is shining after about 3 inches of snow. It was beautiful snowflakes falling yesterday. I wanted to take a picture and put it on here but not quite that techy yet. :) As I sat and watched at one point I thought of how quiet it was out there.

Am I ever that quiet when I listen to you Lord? Do I know how to be that quiet. As each snowflake lays quietly ontop of the other. Building each other one step closer to you, Lord. May I learn what it is to be one step closer to you too.

Lord you amaze me that you know each and every snowflake and it's design. That is how intricately you know me. Little me with all my baggage and stuff. Each thought I think and each breathe I take. May I lean on you for each and every thought and each and every breathe.
It reminds me of a song by Dallas Holms I think: Called "I've Never Been out of His Care
"The eyes of God are upon me,
He sees everything I do.
The arms of God are around me,
They keep me safe and secure
Chorus:
And He knows where I am every hour of every day,
He know each tho't I think,
He knows each word that I might say.
And although there've been times,
I stepped out of his will,
I've never been out of His care.

This changing world alarms me,
with war, with sin, with strife.
But my Loving Father charms me,
With joy, with peace, and with life.
Chorus:
And He knows where I am,
every hour of every day
He knows each thought I think,
He knows each word that I might say,
And although there've been times I stepped out of his will,
I've never been out of His care.

I've never been out of His care."

I have know this song for many years. Actually my sister Carol who passed away in 1983 sang this song and left us all with this memory of her while she was sick she lived this way.
Lord thank you for bringing it back to me today. May I strive to live this way on each step of this journey with you Lord

SKIING

AJ you are such a cool dude - just need to work on straightening the glasses. :) love you buddy

Brandon cruisen down the slopes

The whole family on the picture to the right.

Daddy helping AJ down the slopes crooked glasses and all :)

Braelynn zooming down the hill in the purple coat.
Way to go girl. You got it just need to control the speed sweetie ;)

Well the everyday things are what I really want to enjoy and record on here. Today is the first day of the kids "winter break". We have never had such a thing before we moved here, so this is a little daunting to think for 5 days me and the kids at home :) Went skiing with the kids for the first time over winter break. What fun and what memories. I thought I was going to be literally sick bring our 4 youngest into the ski lesson room. They all looked so scared and here I was leaving them.

As I did and later reflect on that is that what my Lord feels when he sees me hurting. As tears went down my children's faces my heart broke - why did I feel I need to do this? Is that how you feel Lord? You know what is best for me and yet does your heart break as you see me so scared and so very sad? Yes I know that you do.

I love my children and yet if I can I so want to spare them any undue pain. Yes Lord you too want to spare me any undue pain. So Lord may I get out of your way and your protection for me and this journey in our new home here in Colorado. I want to be content in you Lord. May I find you in each area of my heart here as I journey on this the next step here.

I am happy to report the kids had a ball and even AJ loved it by the end of the day. Although they all reported those boots KILL your feet :) "It feels funny to walk in your shoes" one of them said. Oh how true.

Our snowboarder Justin - way to go dude. Proud of you conquering greens, and even a blue your first day out. Way to go!

The only picture of Jennifer is in the family picture because she took most of these not realizing we were all going down the hill again. She did great with the shots I think I have some of her and will hopefully be able to add them at a later date. She did great skiing and is ready for the green runs! We are proud of each of you for embracing this new adventure in our lives.

love mom

ONE MORE STEP, ONE MORE DAY

That blessed 4 year old posted that and I wasn't finished. :) Oh well. Anyhow I was reminded again of one more thing that isn't going to happen anymore. One more plan I didn't get to complete, or maybe it is just one more memory that isn't going to be made.


I so praise God for the memories I do have don't get me wrong I do. Lord I just seem to be grieving the ones that are not to be on this side of heaven.


Adjusting to life here after the move seems to be settling in. I am not sure what the actual definition of adjusting means: Here is Websters definition "to bring to a more satisfactory state" or "to achieve mental and behavioral balance between one's own needs and the demands of others" interesting isn't it.



Balance that with God's definition to me on the concept of adjusting has been "TRUST" scriptures with trust such as "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not on your own understanding in ALL your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5and6 and others keep coming forward in talks I have heard, passages from sermons, friends sending notes, and on and on. I have decided my next post is to list some of those passages. The ones that have come to speak volumes to me each day. The ones that keep me taking that next step on this journey. Today was not such a good day this afternoon. Two afternoons in a row with mom having a meltdown. NOT GOOD. I really don't want to do that in front of my kids nor do I want to react that way. I am trying to figure out the trigger points that lead up to these meltdowns. It is hard. I haven't figured it out so that is my next step. Trust in that moment. Trust Him to react with deep breathing. Trust Him to react with no words (tough one). Trust Him to turn and walk away. Trust Him to be my everything!!!


Taking that next step, trusting HIM!

ONE MORE STEP, ONE MORE DAY

Yes, today is another day, but today the sun is shining. I wish the sun was shining in my heart. I woke again today and was quickly reminded of the sadness. Yesterday started out a beautiful fun day. Snow falling, a good latte with two new friends here. Scrapbooking as my son's grandpa hung out with him.
As I said "see ya later buddy, Have a fun day with grandpa."
AJ responded " I will and we miss grandpa van holland, he died, and he is in heaven huh mom, we miss him don't we"
Yes Aaron we do miss him and yes he is in heaven.

Lessons learned from my daughter's devotional

Well we have been trying to do devotions one on one with each of our kids. It makes for bedtime routine to be quite a bit longer but it sure makes for awesome one on one time. We have been very faithful in doing it with the older two not so much with the younger ones. Need to figure something out for making that time and making it work.


A couple nights ago in devotion time with Jennifer it was like God was in our mind and wrote the very devotional for us we decided. It was fun to find out that was where she was with all the emotions of moving. You never exactly know where each of your kids are in the journey of emotions associated with a major move like this so that was blessing number one in this time. She also decided she wanted to share it with the rest of the family the next day. So that was a neat moment to see her caring about where everyone else was too. I thought it would be neat to share it with you.

February 4 from "The One Year Devo for Girls #2"

Linne Looks Back

Scripture Luke 9:57-62

"Linnea was so homesick! Lately all she could think about was her life "before". When Dad had been a pastor, they'd lived in a lovely big parsonage. They'd visited Grandma and Grandpa nearly every week, and she often got to stay overnight. But that was "before" - before they had felt that God wanted them to be missionaries. Now she was halfway around the world, staying at a boarding school for missionary kids while Mom and Dad were away for six months at a time.

That evening, Linea's house father led the junior-age girls in there devotions. He read the story of Lot's wife and how she turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back at the cities of sin (Genesis 19:17-26). "This story has a good lesson for Christians," he said. "Although it's good to look back to see the way God has led us, we shouldn't look back at what used to be and allow it to spoil us for service right now. We should look back to remember what great things God has done for us, not to see what we're missing now." He prayed for the girls asking God to help them all to keep looking ahead."

The devotional went on to describe Linea and her asking God to forgive her and realizing how much she was looking back. Yeah pretty much stopped me in my tracks!!!!

So here were the questions from the "How about You" section "Are you guilty of looking back to the way things used to be - and making yourself miserable? OUCH!!! Perhaps you've moved, and you won't allow yourself to like the new place because you long for the old. (Who is looking and reading my mind) Don't be guilty of looking back and longing for a former way of life. Serve the Lord in the place he has put you now."

OK SO WHO PLACED THE AUTHOR IN MY MIND AND KNEW THAT I WOULD READ THAT ON FEBRUARY 4, 2010.

Here is the last clincher the verse at the end to memorize "But Jesus told him, Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God." Luke 9:62

Not much more to say other than Lord thanks for using whatever means I need to get to my heart and showing me exactly what I need to hear to move forward with you and help my family to do the same. May it literally take me the next step to moving closer to you!! AMEN

This is the view from our kitchen table. The open space is a park and the mountains are behind those houses across the park. These are pictures of our first morning here in Colorado after returning from the funeral. If I take the time to look each morning that the sky is clear. God showes me a majestic display turning white mountain tops to purple before my eyes. It doesn't last long the purple look however God does do this display each morning. God is faithful!!

Today marks the one month anniversary of that life changing event that propelled me into that journey of grief I talked about last. "How are you doing" seems such a loaded question. How does one measure that? How does one evaluate where you are on a journey where there seems to be no guidelines? I know now I never knew how much hurt a heart could handle. I never knew how much I loved the feelings of joy and how much the feelings of sorrow hurt. I never knew one could love so much and miss so much of the simple every day stuff. I never knew what my Saviour did for me and the hurt his Father must have felt.



God is Good and I can say that He does provide. Are all questions answered absolutely not. As my sister said in reading a book - by Max Lucado - Traveling Light - It says sorrow is like a cloud moving in and you never really know when or where. Yes that is so true. Today is another step one month to the day.



Lord my prayer is that I can rely on you for each step in this unfamiliar journey and my I never leave your leading or path.

Stepping in todays journey